Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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