My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
