I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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