if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
