If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
