You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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