it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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