Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
