An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
