I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Randomize
