im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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