So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
