we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
