tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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