I wanna passion pit in your ass
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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