I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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