There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
