I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
