I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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