I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
