Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
