PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
