She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
