Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
