yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
