how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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