I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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