Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
