Is it normal to miss your booty call?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
