I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
