this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
