and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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