I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The power of my boobs compel you
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
