I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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