You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
