I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I smell stomach acid.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
