I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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