I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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