did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
