Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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