Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
