I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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