Can i not drive my cunt home
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
