I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
