i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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