This is not my ceiling
a search helicopter?!
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
