The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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