They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
