I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
