I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
