Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
