my phone needs a breathalizer
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
