good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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