when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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