Please, let me fuck your mom
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
