I understand why you refuse to be sober now
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
