Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
