Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
