wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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