my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
