I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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