you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
